Hidden stoppers

People are often astounded when they learn about someone’s bold dream being realized. They think, “I could never do that.”

So often, we are our own worst enemy. We judge ourselves far more harshly than others do, we put more faith in others’ ability to make miracles occur than we invest in ourselves. We fail to dream and we consistently accept situations that are less than optimal for us.

What’s stopping us from realizing our wildest dreams? In my experience, I see people stumble in several common areas:

• Making assumptions
• Being unwilling or unable to ask for what you need
• Believing that external factors have more control than they really do
• Staying so busy that you are out of touch with your inner self

How can these factors work against you and limit your life? Here’s some real life examples.

When we make assumptions about situations, we build whole stories that we then start to believe. I saw this recently at a homeowners association meeting where some people automatically assumed another person was “out to get them”. They couldn’t even open up to hear her message, because they were so invested in their assumption about her motivation. It turns out she wasn’t out to get them, and she did have a valid concern, but it took a lot of effort to get people to let go of their original assumption.

It’s tough asking for what you want or need. It’s definitely possible you won’t get what you ask for on the first try. Certainly there’s that unrealistic, “I need a million dollars”. Chances are you won’t find someone to meet that need, and if you do, let me know, okay? How about this example instead–I need to feel loved, cherished and secure. I’m finding it difficult to ask for what I need, because the fear of rejection is high, and it is a painful experience to not have this core need met. However, most of the time our needs are not met simply because we didn’t express them. Perhaps we made an assumption that the other person should be able to just know what our needs are without us telling them. Sometimes we need to ask more than once, but generally, healthy people are delighted to support us in the ways we need. Think of how wonderful it feels to help meet someone else’s request. Realize that you are giving someone a great gift when you give them the opportunity to respond to your need. It all starts with asking.

I think it’s one of the worst things to be stuck in a situation where you don’t have control, where external factors or circumstances appear to limit your choices. We should all be free to choose — where to live, where to work, who to love. When we feel external circumstances control our choices, we get frustrated, angry, and resentful. Freedom comes from security, and if we don’t attend to this primal need, we can’t take control of our lives. Suze Orman is a passionate advocate for building security into our lives. Personally, I’ve experienced both, and I don’t ever want to go back to that place where security doesn’t exist and external factors loom larger than I have the ability to confront.

Lastly, our world is made up of a constant barrage of stimulation. Our inner self is quiet, and typically can’t be heard over the din of our day to day lives. So often we don’t dream big because we aren’t in touch with ourselves and what we want and need. We tie up our value in what we do and what we can offer to others, rather than recognizing we are wonderful, lovable, and special, simply for who we are. I think this is probably one of the hardest life lessons for me to learn, but I’m coming around to understand this important truth.

So, wrapping up, these hidden stoppers collude to limit our life’s joy and freedom. We make assumptions, we fail to ask for what we need, we assign greater control to external factors than they warrant, and we avoid listening to that still, quiet voice that helps us see the truth.

My hope for you is that in some small way you take a step toward your wildest dreams.

Live in the moment

One of my most difficult lessons to learn is about living in the moment. I am so often engaged in thinking about what could happen that I forget to enjoy each day as a gift.

Two ways I fall into this pattern of future thinking are reactive and fanciful. In my reactive mode, I’m “strategizing”, “planning”, “analyzing”, or “competing” based on what has happened in the past, and what I think might happen in the future.  This is not bad, per se; it’s just that we sometimes need to set future-thinking aside to recall what’s really important.

The other pattern of future thinking that always trips me up is fanciful thinking. It’s not based in past reality, but is simply a projection of future wishes. Have you ever gone on a date and found yourself tripping about what a future would look like with that person? Or, applied for a job and then planned your ascension through management ranks before you even got an interview? Again, not entirely a bad thing; but we sometimes forget to live in the moment when we are engaged in future dreams. The challenge of course, is when reality meets fantasy and it’s different than what you expected.

One of my current favorite books is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz. In it, they offer four simple but powerful steps for reflection; ones which have the potential to radically change your relationship with your world.

Be impeccable with your word

Don’t take anything personally

Always do your best

Don’t make assumptions

Sound intriguing? Visit their website for more information.

Adapt or Die

In the Pacific Northwest, salmon are king (no pun intended). One of my favorite t-shirts I see periodically is a picture of a salmon, with the phrase “Adapt or Die”. It brings up the extraordinary environmental changes faced by an entire species, within a few short generations.

So what’s the connection to group wisdom? I was at a professional coaches association chapter meeting a few days ago. Our presenter, Dr. Miriam Reiss talked about the special challenges of coaching individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). As she described the telling signs of ADD, like losing track of time, having difficulty focusing on important tasks, and getting sidetracked easily, I started identifying these challenges within myself, and within 97% of the people with whom I work. Yikes!

She ended the lively evening with her thesis that ADD is a massive evolutionary adaptation to the speed and multi-tasking we are experiencing now. As we live our lives, we can see this adaptation occur. My young friend Mandy, 18 and just starting college, held an engaged conversation with me while she was texting, researching and keeping an eye on a NASCAR race in the background. I sure can’t do that.

Miriam ended her presentation with an remarkably insightful question that moved me from distress to embracing our collective experience — What’s the blessing here? Indeed, we can look at this rapid evolutionary change we are all experiencing as either a burden or an opportunity. We can find the greatness in distraction and non-linear learning. We can delight in discovering new structures that work for us when we absolutely have to get things done. And, we can cut ourselves some slack, celebrating the fact that we are adapting, growing, learning and changing.

Powerful Steps for Solving Complex Problems

You most likely know what I mean when I refer to complex problems–the ones that keep you up at night and make you want to pull the covers over your head. You might even consider a career change as a barista, or simply ignore these issues, hoping they will go away. Complex problems are tough by definition. What makes them even tougher is that quite often in today’s business environment we aren’t able to bring our best brain to address them. Why? Because each day we are drawn in a million directions, with inputs bombarding us in all forms. Count the time between interruptions in your work life—one minute you get an email, the next a phone call, followed by a walk-in. It seems we’ve conditioned ourselves to be ADHD, and we don’t have a supply of Ritalin at the office to settle down.

Now, imagine the luxury of having uninterrupted time to focus on one issue with all of your brain. No phone calls, no emails, no colleagues asking for help. Just reflective time, clarity of thought, persistence of vision. Imagine the feeling of finding new insights–all through the process of focused thought.

Imagine taking that one step further, to a group of people owning and solving complex problems by accessing deep group wisdom. Sound improbable? To many it is, especially those of us accustomed to superficial meetings where we engage only a fraction of our capacity.

It is possible to experience this level of collective intelligence. In fact, it’s repeatable and frankly, almost effortless, once you get the hang of it.

I use a proven method developed by the Institute of Cultural Affairs, called Focused Conversation. It follows a four-step process designed to uncover the depth of the issue and reach solutions, using contributions from all group members. The steps are:

Objective: What are the facts and external reality?

Reflective: What are our personal reactions to the facts?

Interpretive: What meaning, values, significance, options and implications might we assign to this?

Decisional: How do we define our resolution, wrap-up, and commitment to a solution?

This methodology offers a framework to apply our collective wisdom, tapping into multiple levels of our intelligence, and recognizes that complex issues are inherently participatory. I have successfully worked with hundreds of people with all sorts of complex issues, where stakeholders have competing interests and different levels of information.

Try this the next time you have a tough issue. Go to a quiet place for fifteen minutes. Apply each of the steps above to help focus your thoughts. Simply divide a piece of paper into four sections and jot notes on each step, starting from the first and moving forward. My guess is that you will have gotten further in that fifteen minutes, applying this method, than you would have ever imagined; just by using the discipline of focused thought to tap your extraordinary intelligence.

Polar Extremes and Personal Involvement

I often deal with highly conflicted groups — where trust is at an all time low, and any agreement seems completely out of reach. Somehow, by facilitating active listening among the people involved, I often find the emotional tension fades, to be replaced with a more collaborative willingness to work on the complex problem.

As a facilitator, I am not invested in the outcome, nor in any party’s particular point of view. This disengagement actually helps me stay calm when the stakes are high and emotions run deep. When someone is expressing their fear through angry words, I can extract meaning, paraphrase their message with less volatility, and ensure others get the intended message.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself in the middle of a complex problem as an involved party, where the outcomes seemed to be win-lose polar extremes. The stakes were high. I was emotionally invested in the outcome. What happened? I got reactive, and my emotions clouded my ability to listen with compassion and understanding.

It’s okay to ask for time, when you find yourself in the midst of a crucial conversation and your active listening skills, your compassion and your understanding are taking a nose dive. Regroup, go back, and listen. I’m sure glad I did.

Keeping Focus

How long can you think about one thing before getting distracted? Try it sometime. Note the instant your mind switches to another thought. I bet that you can’t go 5 minutes, or even one minute, without thinking about something else.

In golf, a typical swing takes around 2 seconds, and the actual act of hitting the ball takes a fraction of a second.

Most of us golfers try to develop a swing thought and stay with it through the whole movement. For instance, we might have a swing thought of “keep your eye on the ball”. Here’s what often happens to that swing thought as I’m striking the ball.

• Set up. Look at the ball. Keep my eye on the ball.
• Start the backswing. I hope I don’t flub this. Keep my feet down. Wait - look at the ball.
• Finish the backswing. Don’t go too far back - you always top the ball when you do that.
• Start the downswing. Wow, this ball is really going to fly down the fairway. I hope anyway. No - Wait - keep my eye on the ball.
• Strike the ball. Ooh. I hope I hit this well. I’ll watch to see where it goes. No - don’t lift your head!
• Ball is topped and rolls 30 yards down the course. Darn. I screwed up. I’ll never figure this out.

What is amazing to me is how well I can multi-process and hop from thought to thought. In the space of maybe two seconds, I can sometimes have dozens of “swing thoughts”, and that’s not even when I’ve got something pressing on my mind. Is it any wonder that the shot is flubbed?

Try this - if you are a golfer, simply observe your brain chatter during that two-second swing. If you are not a golfer, pick something else you do that takes some effort, and observe what happens when you are trying to concentrate on that activity. Notice what happens with your brain chatter. Trying to control the chatter is akin to stopping the wind, but amazingly, simply being aware of this pattern helps you develop focus.

Imagine what would happen if we applied a singular focus to the problem at hand, and set our brain chatter aside for even a short while.

Wicked

Ever experienced being different than everyone around you?

When that happens to us, we sometimes feel judged or misinterpreted, based on others’ cultural filters. The book Wicked: The Life & Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, by Gregory Maguire gives us an incredible opportunity to look at prejudice, by taking a well known children’s story and telling it from a different point of view.

This is a great learning experience — that there is more than one way to see events — through a story that I simply could not put down.

Epidemic of Care

by George Halvorsen and George Irshwin

Epidemic of Care takes the highly complex problems in the health care industry and distills them into seven easy to understand principles. Washington Governor Christine Gregoire picked up this book awhile ago and has been handing out copies like candy to legislators and policy makers. If we as citizens want to influence the outcomes and help solve our health care crisis, it would be good to understand the central issues and speak in a common voice. This book is highly readable, and, believe it or not, quite a page turner.